On losing my mind- again- and why I should probably think about seeing a doctor.

(This was written on April 23rd  I have been too busy and exhausted to post it – because I wanted to read through it- I have not read through it- so good luck! )

I’ve heard the definition of insanity is doing the exact same thing over and over again expecting different results. I don’t know if that is really the definition. I should probably look it up to see if that is the case but following this definition, I don’t actually qualify as insane, but I think the last two weeks I should be put in the running. Then again maybe it isn’t insanity. Maybe I am struggling with dementia or seriously just loosing enough brain cells where I should count myself in the stupid category soon. I do not like talking badly about myself, but if you were sitting where I am sitting right now, having had the morning I have had, and the night before that, you would start to wonder.

Let’s start at the beginning. Last week I thought that Wednesday was Thursday and Thursday was Friday. All day. Until someone corrected me when I asked her for a restaurant recommendation and she told me I had the day wrong. I honest to goodness believed that it was Friday. Nope it was Thursday. I have a phone. I have the internet. I have emails and I am traveling which means that I should know the day is and the date. But alas I seem to miserably fail at this. On the flip side I knew when Sunday was and that I needed to go to church. I knew that on Monday I would have a meeting for work and was available to attend that (though about an hour later than planned as I walked 35 minutes the wrong direction). But I knew. I knew the day, the month, the year, the time, what was supposed to be occurring. So this next bit of my story is all the more confusing.

Perhaps I should give myself a break. I have been traveling for three and half months already and this week was a mess. I was supposed to be in Isle of Skye and then Oban, however the hikes I wanted to do are dangerous this time of year, and especially dangerous alone- and with my propensity to injure myself while walking on a flat surface, a dangerous hike seemed out of the question. So I changed my plans. I decided to come to Edinburgh early. I booked a place to stay. Enjoyed it. Then went to go to the place that I originally booked for Edinburgh. Upon getting in the taxi the driver was silent and paused for quite the period of time when I told him where I wanted to go. As he started to drive he asked me if I knew that that was a dangerous part of town. I didn’t. I was I supposed to know? He told me he could always drive me back to town if I needed to. When we got to the location he looked me in the eye and told me that he would move heaven and earth to not let his daughter stay in this area. I thought that was a bit extreme- it certainly didn’t look like Detroit- but decided he should take me into the city. The hotel he dropped me at was not up to par so I took myself to another hotel. Somewhere in all of this chaos I was certain that my flight to Lisbon was Wednesday the 22nd.  I booked an expensive room planning on enjoying the benefits for one more night and not leaving on my flight till late in the evening. However, last night I discovered that my flight was for 6:40 am not pm and so I rushed to pack, didn’t sleep well knowing I needed to be up early, got up at 3:30am to be out the door by 4:10. Paid £20 for a taxi to the airport and…. Found out I had the day wrong. I fly out tomorrow. I was certain that this was a mistake but somehow I was wrong and I leave tomorrow. Not today. So I didn’t sleep, didn’t enjoy my expensive hotel room – that I was only staying in because I didn’t want to stay next to drug addicts and prostitutes- paid a bunch money that was wasted, and didn’t know what to do with myself at that point. What a chaotic, exhausting, stressful, painful, expensive, irrational, thoughtless, silly mess! I believe that it didn’t help that easy jet reminded me twice yesterday to check-in for my flight- nor that the person I am renting from tomorrow asked me yesterday what time she should meet me at the apartment. Still, despite all evidence to the contrary, I can read. I know that 22nd looks different from 23rd. It was a mistake and I am paying the price mentally, physically, and financially. On the flip side the person at breakfast convinced me to try haggis. So I have tried it and it was an experience. I also think that I will spend the day at the zoo, only to have to wake up at 4:00 am tomorrow and repeat, at least some, of the process. And it has been an adventure, the key part being that in any good adventure there is adversity and all around yucky crap. On this adventure of my life today is just one of the adversity days.

I have immensely enjoyed this experience so far. It has pushed me and forced to grow, but has also been educational and fun. Still when you add up the stress and toll that these small mistakes make, and you add up the stress of the constant change and uncertainly, traveling for this long is sadly difficult. I cannot tell you the number of times today that I have thought about calling it quits and being done. But that is something I am trying to avoid. I need to prove to myself that stupid hiccups in life won’t stop me or make me quit- even if it is something that I am doing just for fun.

I am breaking my rules today. I could travel more, or see a castle, but instead I am going to go to a zoo. In part because it is supposed to be fantastic weather and I want to be outside. In part because I love animals and in part because I don’t have to learn- I am so way too tired to learn anything today.

(PS: I also forgot my camera when I left and had to have it shipped to me in Portugal- Oh dear)

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